Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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