My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
