I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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