you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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