I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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