I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize