My underwear smells like fireworks.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
