What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
