Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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