If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
