It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
