yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
