Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
