please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
