I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
