He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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