Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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