mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
