I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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