I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
This is my gift to your gina
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
