hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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