Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
