I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
