i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize