Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
