3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The best revenge is premature balding
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
