I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
