Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
