If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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