I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
is wine microwaveable?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Randomize
