I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
