if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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