everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize