i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
