Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
