I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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