If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
