now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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