the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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