I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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