I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
