Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
