Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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