Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
