You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
