her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
