Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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