Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
