i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
