AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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