Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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