remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
