Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
