Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
